Parenting 101
by puRpLebLuSh017
Summary: "What?" Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura asked Kakashi. And their teacher replied: "You guys suck at being parents. Big time." [Team7 slightly crack][sasusaku][naruhina][oneshot]


**Insert Standard Disclaimer**

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 **Parenting 101**

 _Written by Purpleblush017_

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Squeak. Squeak.

That was the sound of the couch whenever one would adjust one's position while sitting.

Squeak. Squeak.

A pair of green and black eyes stared at blue ones. "Sorry!"

Squeak. Squeak.

It seemed to be one new couch. It felt like they were sitting on a cloud of feathers.

She lightly tugged his sleeve. "We should buy one of these!"

"Hm."

...

...

BAM!

The door swung open.

A man wearing a yukata entered the same room and three heads peeked from the edge of the couch. The said man passed them and sat on the lazyboy chair opposite them. The three were waiting for him to speak. And speak he did. "Here I have one of the most beautiful kunoichi in the village who can anhialate the whole building or rather a huge portion of this place we call home with a crackle of her pinky if she ever felt like it—"

The pink-haired kunoichi and mother of one raised an eyebrow as she wondered if her genin-days teacher complimented her or mocked her.

"Next we have here is our promising Seventh Hokage who is now chummy best buds with the most powerful monster which is coincidentally and conveniently living inside of him who can deus ex machina every time a group of bad ass villains try to spread the word of evil. _Oh_ , the perks of being the main protagonist!"

Naruto brushed his nose with his index finger with a smug look. The word resonated in his head. _Protagonist!_

"And you—"

The proud patriarch of the Uchiha clan of three squinted his eyes at the man in front of them.

"Who is now the sole owner of the most powerful eye lineage the world has seen. You who hopped from being hero's best friend to almost pedophile victim to villain to hero's best friend again to wandering off to God-knows-where-I'm-going-to-protect-the-world-behind-the-curtain. Oh, the _drama_."

The three pointed were confused. Did he call them to lash out and find fault in them so his mid-life crisis will feel so insignificant to their problems?

"All three of you together could even start a war and declare supreme command over everything. Yes. I'm talking about dictatorship and martial law. You three could crush any opponent who dare come within miles your territory. You three could literally be the Akatsuki trio and no one here could ever defeat you even if we evolve to our last Pokemon stage. _Yes_. You three could rule this land with an iron fist."

Sakura quickly looked at her darling in the eye and whispered, "Don't even think about it."

"Hm." The raven-haired man scoffed a little. "I'm not." _Lie!_ The image of every house covered with his family's white and red fan symbol, villagers bowing and ninjas from different clans bending the knee for him looked all very pleasing to him. He thought maybe he could subtly convince his wife in achieving the new beautiful dream he has on his mind later. He felt the strong gaze pierce his demeanor a little and he saw her mouth move—'NO'. _Damn this woman knows me too well._

Kakashi's speech continued, "But here you all are, my precious students, the famous Team 7—disbanded, reunited and even married to each other—"

Naruto let out a shriek, "Like I'd be married to Sasuke-teme!" The supposedly most-respected ninja in the land started flailing his arms albeit childishly in his attempt to explain things. "He's like a brother to me! _Damnit_! How many manga chapters and episodes have I reiterated that already!? Like. A. Brother! Siblings. Get it!? He's like my... _family_! Like... Filial piety!"

The last two words brought shock to the rest of the people in the room. Apparently he had upgraded his dictionary. Maybe they'll thank his wife—Hinata—later for that.

" _Right_. Whatever you say." Kakashi cleared his throat in an obvious way of brushing off the blonde man's tantrum. "Like I was saying, you guys are practically married to each other _emotionally_." He added the emphasis in hope that he wouldn't be interrupted again. "But you know what?" He paused for a dramatic effect.

"What?" All three said in unison.

"You all _suck_ at being parents." Their mouths were slightly ajar. "BIG TIME."

"It's understandable for Sasuke-teme, I know." Naruto started with a sympathetic sneak look at Sasuke. His first sentence earned him an arched eyebrow from the Sharingan-user. "But I am a great parent! The most... _sheebang_ PARENT!"

 _What the hell is a 'sheebang Parent'_? Kakashi thought.

"You cannot lump me with these two married couple who rarely see each other to even copulate and help this village's population!"

Sakura's face went bright red. "NARUTO!" She started regulating her chakra to her right hand which was a little itchy to hit his whiskered cheek.

Sasuke's eye lineage was activated. "It's still not too late for me to be the Hokage."

Naruto suddenly faced them with a serious composure. "Sasuke-teme. Sakura-chan." His idiocy might be one reason why he was not yet running for his dear life. Or maybe it was because this scenario was now more of a normalcy to him. After ascending to the 7th Hokage throne, he had developed a knack for tactless comments, slight sexual harassment and a growing serious case of overbearing confidence. Hinata once told him that the power has gone to his head already. "Do you know how many old people are in the village? I can't remember how many, but Shikamaru—my trustworthy right hand— _oh_ God bless his soul—"

Somewhere, Shikamaru sneezed and muttered, "Someone spoke ill of me."

"—but it's many, I _mean_ , A LOT. There are too many old wrinkled people roaming around the streets of Konoha. These folks have literally perfumed the streets with their old people smell while we have less of the bright warm laughter and pitter patter sound of running children." Naruto stood up from his seat, walked behind his team mates and placed one hand on each of their shoulders. "We need _you_ to make more of those little you. You must not dilly dally and start humping and thumping!" He did a dramatic cough and closed with: "For the village."

"Fffffffuuuuuuuu-" Sakura's hand, overflowing with concentrated chakra, was aimed at him.

"Hentai." the word _almost_ sounded cool when Sasuke uttered it while he unsheathed his sword.

Hinata had warned him that playing his 'for the village' card would one day kill him.

It's a good thing it wasn't today.

—POOF!

* * *

"Nothing beats a wonderful exercise!" Kakashi stretched his hands upright and twisted his body a little to his right.

The birds were chirping. The wind hitting the leaves of the trees sounded like a nice background music.

The comfortable seat was now replaced with solid ground with a few pebbles touching their butt cheeks. The leather softness their backs previously leaned on was now gone and now rested on the uneven chopped half tree which might cause a few splinters if they move too much. And the security of the tight grip of the ropes around them was all too familiar, like a dejavu. Like all that was missing was a challenge to get the bells from their teacher.

Kakashi smiled down at his grown up previous students all grouchy and irritated. "Just like old times."

"Did you see how _he_ moved?" Naruto turned to Sasuke. "I couldn't believe that geezer still have tricks up on his sleeves."

"Hm."

Sakura bonked the men on both her sides—Sasuke to her left and Naruto on her right—in her mind. " _Ladies_ , now is not the time to be amazed." she slightly snapped. "Kakashi-sensei," her annoyance was leaking through her voice. "What is the meaning of this? I need to pick up my daughter from school—"

"That—" the silver-haired man pointed at her as if she hit the jackpot, "—is the reason why we have gathered here." He stretched his hands up in air, inhaling the fresh air the training grounds in the forest they were in had to offer.

"What!?" Naruto protested. "The invitation letter said we four were going karaoke and ramen tonight!"

Sasuke eyed his sensei. "Mine said it was a meeting about an S-Ranked Mission."

"..."

Out of instant curiosity both men who shared the same predicament with her turned their heads to her direction, urging her to divulge information.

"Right! Mine was... flower arrangements. Yeah.. let's go with that." Sakura awkwardly finished. Apparently the ' _Meet and Greet of KONOHA BOYS_ '—the _hottest_ boy band in town—was too good to be true. "Back to the issue here, you gathered us three to teach us about how to properly pick up our children from school?"

Kakashi slapped his face in disbelief. "Underneath the underneath, guys. Remember that? Ring any bells?" The three gave dumbfounded stares. "Seriously, the first arc of the Naruto series about me teaching you was the pinnacle of the story!"

"I thought the pinnacle was about the upcoming movie?" Naruto asked innocently. "The creator himself said so."

"Shh! Quiet!" the oldest of the group dismissed Naruto's comment.

"Let me pin point everything to you, children." Kakashi did a dramatic pose—his one hand brushing his hair while the other slightly touching his stomach.

"You!" pointed at Naruto, "your blonde replica hates your guts while repeating the crazy antics you annoyingly bestowed upon us when you were his age. _Seriously_. Painting on my face on the mountain was not cool. Do you even know the word discipline? While your youngest offspring doesn't have that much screen time I don't know what to say yet."

The accused tried to argue, "But—!" and was ignored.

"You!" pointed at Sasuke, "Just when we thought leaving the village in your teen years was just a phase here you go wandering off in the prime of your life not even being there for your only child, much less recognize her face! You cold-hearted father! Itachi would be rolling around in his grave, crying."

That hit home for Sasuke.

"And you!" pointed at Sakura, "stop fangirling every time you see _Shin_! For God's sake, woman! You often forget to cook dinner because of _Shin_ which leaves your daughter knocking on my door asking for food! And yes that causes trouble and suspicion for my neighbors because now they think I am a lonely middle aged pedophile who order children out of some catalog because I always have some kid in front of my door around 7 PM giving me the puppy eyes for some grub."

Sharingan was activated. "Who the hell is _Shin_!?"

"Err..." Sakura rolled her eyes and bit her lip.

 _Duh. He's only the group leader of 5 in a singing slash dancing boy band called KONOHA BOYS and was dubbed most charismatic idol of this century. He is, if you should know, my lonely wife psyche lover!_ Inner Sakura raged. _Oh Shin! The late night movies you played part in which I repeatedly watch, your music videos and your dancing cute butt... those hours I spent with you were my favorite part of the day! Squeal._

The self-proclaimed best friend added salt on his hurt heart, "Oh no! Not _Shin_!" Of course Naruto knew who the name belonged to. Even his wife, Hinata, had a Shin shrine in a room he accidentally stumbled upon one night. Every one who was married was weirdly infatuated to this Shin. They even had a word for it— _SHINsation_! He was so popular he was already a household name. But knowing that Sasuke rarely came close to any household, he knew the name did not ring any bell for his male friend. "I heard you were so gaga over Shin you even used up Sarada's educational fund for him." He once saw her crazily buying Shin accessories and memorabilia. And yes, his wife was inside the same shop too.

"Woman," his lovely crimson eyes were spinning. "are you cheating on me!?"

"I..." Sakura frantically started. _Might have... inside my mind, at the least though! Nothing to be guilty about, right!? Besides, it was all Shin's fault! Oh God, why must you create such a mortal being with those ridiculous abs and that...firm butt, oops, I meant charming face...my poor lonely wife heart can only take so much... OH SHIIIINNNN_!

"You just gave me the _ellipses_ , Sakura!" Sasuke annoyingly stated. He was going to kill this 'Shin' once he figured out who he is. "You know I hate unfinished sentences."

Sakura resorted to some defense. "That's rich coming from someone who always answer 'Hm' to everything! Like, I ask 'Honey, do you want some packed lunch?', You say 'Hm'. 'Do you want to take a bath? What do you answer? Freaking 'Hm'! Hm! HM! HMMMMMMM! It's driving me crazy!"

Sasuke snorted. "You've always been crazy."

"BURN!" Naruto yelled, piggy backing on Sasuke's retort.

"Excuse me, are you three seriously arguing about infidelity and overlooking the mere fact that a child, whose parents are alive and well, is going to a middle-aged albeit handsome man almost every night?" Kakashi tried to get some sense to them.

"You're right." Sasuke calmed down. "Shin is the root of this evil. Therefore I shall kill _this_ Shin."

Inner Sakura gasped. _Nooooooooooo! My late night SHIN TIME!_

Before Sasuke could set himself free to do some spree idol killing, Kakashi poked his forehead with his index and middle finger. A secret technique gesture which can render the strong man impaled with emotional trauma and guilt.

"Hold it right there. Let me ask you two questions which ADEQUATE parents can answer spot on." Kakashi huffed. "Just _two_. If you answer at least _one_ , I'll do whatever you want. Deal?"

Sakura's competitive nature tingled. "Agreed!" She felt confident that she will get full marks on this little test. After all, she was competing with two fathers and she knew the first word of both their children was 'Mama'.

"Bring it on, _Dattebayo_!" Naruto rejuvinatingly answered.

Back from his emotional roller coaster ride, Sasuke nodded in agreement.

Their sensei smiled behind his mask. Excitement rushed back to system. The same feeling he had when he handed them the 'Bell' challenge. The excitement to prove them wrong came back to him and there was no turning back. The three distinguished adults who looked less respectable tied up onto a log of tree would be crushed by his super awesome Kakashi-way teaching.

"First question."

The three gulped in anticipation.

"Who is your kid's best friend?" Kakashi asked. "Naruto," he pointed. "Answer."

Naruto grinned. "Easy! That'll be me." he said proudly.

" _Booooo_!" Kakashi said in a low voice which sounded creepy. "Yes, that's the sound I'll be giving if ever you guys get a wrong answer. And believe me, it will annoy you."

Sasuke was a little confused. He was annoyed by Sakura but that annoyance led him to marrying her. Ergo, the sound which as declared will annoy him will be a sound he will come to love. His head hurt a little. It started annoying him already.

"What do you mean I was wrong?"

"Look, didn't I give that long speech earlier that your son hates your guts? So how could you think that you could be your son's best friend?!" Kakashi debated.

Naruto pointed at Sasuke using his lips. "But Sasuke-teme hated my guts but he admitted that I was the closest thing to what he can call a friend."

Kakashi thought about it for a while. " _Touche_." He stood up straight as if to point out his authority. "You're still wrong." Before the other could say a word, he elaborated. "Your son's best friend is your lovely shy wife."

He obviously cannot argue with that.

The image of his wife always being there in the house, always being there for Boruto came to his head. 24/7. _Wow_. He realized being a rich heiress entitled his wife the lots of free time. He needed some free time to release the stress he got from work. He wondered if Hinata would agree to become the husband and he the wife.

"You two are up." Kakashi looked at the pink haired and black haired married couple. "Who's your kid's best bud?"

"I am."

"She is."

Kakashi inhaled. " _Boooooo_!" He was right. The sound he made started to annoy them. "Although great job on siding with the wife, Sasuke-kun. Just keep on doing that and a great future awaits you in this quest you embarked called 'marriage'." Sasuke frowned while Sakura let out a little chuckle. "And to prove you wrong. Let me tell you, your child has the Uchiha blood running through her veins. Do you know what that instantly makes her?"

"Cool!"

"Strong."

"Special?"

Kakashi repeated: " _Boooooo_!" the annoying sound was let out again. "That makes her a begrudgingly young woman full of angst and brooding over every personal moment in her life." The parents were in a state of shock. "Yes. It's _so_ Sasuke-kun-like. And did Sasuke have a best friend during his age? No. He didn't, Naruto. No matter how much you insistently self-proclaim it."

They went silent for a little while until, "Next question!" Naruto piped, eager to answer the next one.

Kakashi touched his chin with his fingers. He was so in the zone today with his dramatic poses and pauses. "Okay," There was a drum roll sound playing inside his head. "Who is your kid's love interest?"

Gasps were released from the three.

 _Love_?

"Me! Me! I can answer this one!"

"Go ahead, Naruto."

"Boruto likes Sakura-chan! He told me once! He said her hair was like the delicate cherry blossoms of spring that he loves to watch."

" _Boooooo_!"

"That was Himawari!" Sakura wanted to kick him in every way possible. "Himawari was the one who said that during our Hanami last year, you dope!"

"Yeah?" Embarrassed, Naruto egged her. "Care to tell us your answer then? Go on, who's Sarada's crush?"

Sakura was taken aback. "I... I cannot just simply spill a young maiden's secret!"

" _Boooooo_!"

"Ha! You just don't know who it is!"

And she angrily and quickly passed the baton to her husband. "Sasuke-kun!"

 _Love_?

"My daughter is not allowed to have a love interest. I forbid it."

" _Boooooo_!"

"Sasuke-kun!"

Kakashi laughed. "Awesome stuff there guys. Seriously. Although Boruto does find your pink hair... weird, Sakura-chan. But he is slightly crushing on a young maiden whose father just forbade her to ever love. Funny stuff right there!"

A rare moment happened. Naruto got the message right away. "We'll finally be connnected through our children's marriage, Sasuke-kun, Sakura-chan! We'll finally be a family! _Legally_!" he excitedly chirped.

Sakura stared at Naruto. "Please remind me why we're friends."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Naruto," he hissed under his breath. All the curses and evil intent was shown in his eyes and aura.

"And yes, your precious daughter is harboring her own little delusions of love just like her mother did during her age. Though I prefer not to point out who." _Me_. The young Uchiha heiress have a distorted infatuation with this father-figure in her head she seemed to see in their Team 7 teacher. "So do you guys understand what I'm trying to say here?" Kakashi asked his class of three. The pinkish color painted in the sky was evidence enough that his lecture had gone on past its due time. Plus there was a limited time sale on his favorite book in a couple of minutes. "Naruto!"

"Yes, sir!" the blonde chirped. Hinata was going to come home any minute now and he had just realized he had forgotten where he left Himawari. Today was his turn to babysit his youngest child. The Hyuuga clan would burn him alive while his father-in-law stare at him in resentment for losing his most prized grandchild. And he knew it wasn't far-fetched from reality. The horror of his courtship with Hinata resurfaced. They weren't called a prestigious clan for nothing! _They can do things to your soul._

"Discipline Boruto. Make sure he doesn't paint on the great faces on the mountain or if he does—I'll tell him to always leave your face out of it. I'll lead both of my children down the right path of ninja and leave them hanging in thin air when the time comes for the 'bird and bees' talk. I think my wife can cover that aspect. I'll also hug and kiss Boruto and tuck him into his bed like his mommy does every night because, you know, that's how parental love is. It's sometimes borderline creepy and unbelievable and it will scar you for life—for better or for worse." Naruto said mouthfully. "And... I'll never lose Himawari, again! I'm so sorry, Hinata-chan! Oh God, don't take out the whip! Not the latex one! _Nooooo_!" He looked like he was slightly loosing it.

Kakashi coughed. "I'll pretend I didn't hear the last part." he clapped. "Aside from being disturbing, your realization speech is somehow... _acceptable_." he loosened the ropes on Naruto's body. "No off you go!" He shoo-ed him away.

"Thanks, Kakashi-sensei." The 7th Hokage dusted off his back. "Remember, I _love_ you all!" he announced looking pale as if he would never see them again. And then —POOF! His figure was replaced with white smoke. He was now off to find his lost kid.

Sasuke shivered.

Sakura muttered. "Gross."

Their sensei let out a sigh. "How about you two? Anything to say?"

Even if it was slightly hard to swallow, Sakura felt Kakashi was right even if he technically just pointed out the facts to them. _Wait, what was he trying to say, anyway? He just kept asking questions and threw long sarcastic speeches and statements._

 _Oh._

 _Right._

"I'm a... bad parent."

"She's a bad parent."

"Sasuke-kun!"

"I'm just agreeing with you, wife."

Sakura huffed in discontentment. She and her husband was released from the log's clutches. She stretched and stared at the sky. Maybe some ramen would be good just for tonight, she thought. From a distant they could see a small familiar figure walking towards them.

"You guys are not bad parents." Kakashi reassured them as he also saw the child closing in. "You guys maybe a little childish, spontaneous, haphazard at times and oblivious about your child... but you guys are just parents. It comes with the territory." He turned to them and smiled. "I should know. I raised Team 7."

"Mom, Dad." the little girl with red glasses greeted them. "I came to pick you guys up."

"Good girl." Kakashi patted her small head and turned to the child's parents. "Well, that's that." He made hand seals and shouted. "Don't forget that other thing! _For the village_!"

–POOF!

"Kakashi-san told me he would be playing with you two and the seventh." there was a twinkle in her deep black eyes much like her father's. "Was it fun?"

"It was." Sakura brushed her child's onyx locks and pushed her cheeks forward. "Look, Sasuke-kun, she looks like fish!"

"Moooomm!" the little girl protested.

"Sarada," Sasuke called out her name with a hint of endearment. He held out his hand which she awkwardly took. Sakura took the little kid's other free hand. "If you ever come to harbor strong feelings for someone else," his grip tightened a little. "Don't." Sakura listened intently. "When it comes to you," he knew his wife was enjoying this moment but he carried on. "I should always be number one."

Sakura laughed so hard she cried a little.

Despite his attempt of selfish parental love outburst, his child was left dumbfounded.

* * *

Somewhere, sometime in Konoha Entertainment Inc. Building, a silhouette of a man walked the corridors and entered an unidentified room. The door slowly creaked open. The occupant of the room woke up from his slumber on the couch and sat up straight. "Is it time to go already?" his delicate fingers rubbed his eye while he yawned.

" _Hello, Shin_."

All then Shin saw was red.

Beautiful red.

Spinning round and round.

* * *

 **A/N** : I am pumped up by the Gaiden spin-off series, as you can see from this one-shot! I haven't written a story in a very, very long time so forgive me. I am rusty and I still let my mind get ahead of me so much my fingers couldn't keep up. Anyhoo, missed this gag. You know the drill. xoxo


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